I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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