the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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