So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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