So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
