watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
