Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
