I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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