he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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