Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
