On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We had sex on a dog bed..
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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