Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Randomize
