Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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