Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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