my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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