if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
