tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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