I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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