Will you blow on my dice?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
