my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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