when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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