2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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