Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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