her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I need mimosas to revive my soul
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
