It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We need to get me chipped asap
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
