i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
