you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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