Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
