hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Randomize
