I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
