Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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