I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
