just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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