he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
