I showed him my bush... on skype.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
