i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
