you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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