I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
