she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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