covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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