I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
