I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
