She went from zero to smokin in five shots
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
