She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
