just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
