We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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