So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
