I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think your dad took our porno
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
