All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
