The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
