Cold hands, warm shart.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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